I am conflicted, confused, indecisive to the max and feel like splitting in two!
photo via Hoarder Rehab
On the one hand I know it's ridiculous to feel so deeply attached to my things and on another can't help it yet, so why try and deny it, fight the thought or belittle myself for it? I just surrender and accept it.
Just because the facts add up doesn't mean it's the truth! So I suppose in many ways getting down to the bottom of my hoard is my search for some kind of truth about myself which mainly seems to be about my elusive childhood!
Okay, so this is how the story goes.....
I've had my childhood kanzashi and obi listed for over a year now, I've been given several offers, but just couldn't let go of it and finally had resigned to letting the listing run out and to keep them and some how use them in my art.
And yesterday my kanzashi sold! I have never felt so much panic over one of my things selling! I was nerve wrecked wondering where it was going and I had no idea!
So I immediately wrote:
Hi!
I just noticed that my childhood zanzashi has been ordered by you! Thank you! However as a recovering hoarder, I am hoping you will provide me with a "behind the purchase" story to help me let it go more easily.
I had resigned myself to keeping it, since it's been listed for so long with my childhood obi, that I didn't think neither of them were leaving any time soon and was just waiting for the listing to run out to use in my art and now I'm in shock, at least I know my zanzashi is not going to far away and staying the same state!
Any information is helpful and I thank you for your time in this matter!
Kindest regards,
~Kennedy at
www.etsy.com/shop/HoarderRehab
www.etsy.com/shop/thedestinyofthings
www.etsy.com/shop/vintagetogoetsy
www.etsy.com/pt/shop/JunkDrawerLoveEtsy
hoarderrehab@gmail.com
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photo via Hoarder Rehab
The person gave me a choice! It can either be part of a costume design in a Madame Butterfly opera or she understands if I want to keep it!
She thought it was particularly unique and beautiful, but would totally understand if I can't part with it and said it would be an extremely difficult piece to part with!
Where does such kindness and empathy come from? and am I to sit on the fence forever? Can I just wait for one of my shoes to drop to decide?
So it seems that my hoard habits have moved from beyond finding new lives and homes for them and have turned into something else! But what is that "something else?" I am so confused right now! I am hoping that writing about it will get me out of this endless back and forth ping pong game!
photo via Hoarder Rehab
One part of me wants this person to breath new life into it since she can see the same unique beauty as my Grandmother who gave it to me did too, yet the other half knows that it's been mine for over 40 years and I'll never be able to get it back once I let it go.
How often do I meet a complete stranger and see eye to eye? This person sees the same value and beauty in this piece as I do and I'm making myself feel crazy because she would also allow me to change my mind or is it change of heart? and keep it or let it go to a new life and home?
In the beginning I wanted someone to breath new life into my kanzashi and some where along the way it changed to I am going to breath new life into it, but now someone else can too. Has my thinking changed since much of my hoard is gone and I can think more clearly? or am I still holding on to my hoarding ways?
What does this kanzashi really symbolize for me? It is my Rosebud from Citizen Kane? It's certainly not the memory or the words I want to be relating to on my death bed! or is it?
I often ask myself during a crisis if I'm going to remember this or that in 6 months to a year? And if I answer, "yes" I ask myself if I'm going to remember this on my death bed and the answer so far has been, "no"
photo via Hoarder Rehab
What I Learned:
1. Now my new questions to myself are, why wait til the listing expires? Is it because I have too much hoard to think about in this manner? Is it because I was hoping someone important would come along and breath new life into it as it just has? Is it because I can't think of a way to use them? Am I being stubborn about letting my hoard go to no end? Is this my "fear of missing out" coming out to play? or what? what? what? and more importantly, why?
2. I am a slow reactor decision maker type person. I've been walking around in a shocked stupor, since I found it it sold and then again when the person offered to let me keep it anyway and now that I have to be the one to decide... my hoarder recovery state feels so unstable!
And it's basically taken me one day to recover from the anxiety of indecision to be calm enough to make a decision. How funny does that sound?
3. I have bigger more pressing crisis decisions to make, one I can't talk about it because I'm not supposed to, another that's been culminating for over six months and I can finally make a decision or wait longer and let it stew for up to two more years. Two more need attention by the end of this week and another is on the back burner until August, but I need to start preparing now because it's such a thorn in my paw!
And guess what they all have in common? They are all legal issues!
3. Out of all my present crisis causing problems, I don't think I'll remember a single one in six months to a year and geez, if that's what I end up thinking about on my death bed... well, then I'm already a lost cause..... but the kanzashi.... now that still remains a mystery!
There's something still locked up deep within it, but what is it? And I'm wondering, will it's story or memory appear if I let it go to be in the Madame Butterfly opera or should I breath new life into it myself and let some part of my forgotten past meet up with my present some how?
My heart tells me one thing and my mind says another and my gutt isn't giving me any peace over any of it. And if I think about some of my heros, Ghandi and other spirituals and what they'd do, well the answer is so simple.
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